An Appeal on Behalf of The Elderly

Dear friends,

I am coming to you today with an appeal for support for the cause of the aged. As you all know, as life expectancy increases, the incidence of illnesses such as dementia and Alzheimer's is also rapidly on the increase. Many Western countries have the infra-structure and social back up to deal with the needs of such people and their families.

Patients suffering from dementia/Alzheimer's require constant care and attention and very often this is not possible in a domestic set up. The demands on the care-givers is intense and with the kind of changes our social set up is undergoing, this becomes next to impossible to deal with at home. 

Unfortunately, we do not have too many organizations which help care for patients with such intensive care. There is to the best of my knowledge just one such organization which provides in-house specialized care for such patients. They also provide home care and nursing for those requiring such help. This is an organization called "Nightingales' Medical Trust". They have a number of centres in Bangalore and one such is dedicated to the care of Alzheimer's and dementia patients. My mother is admitted there since more than a year and I can attest to the quality of care that is provided to these elderly people. (I would like to mention here, that it is not only the aged, but also middle age people who suffer from dementia - early onset dementia. I have been shocked to see people of my age over there).

Yesterday, I received a petition from this organization. They are looking to expand their services and open more centres in other places as well to cater to the needs of patients.

One new centre is almost near completion and will be opened very soon in Kolar in Karnataka. I am enclosing a copy of the appeal I received here in the hope that there will be some people who will be able to help out a needy and good cause.

I am also giving a link to their facebook site, so that you can satisfy yourselves about the veracity and legitimacy of the organization for yourselves. It is https://www.facebook.com/NightingalesMedicalTrust

Dear Sir/Madam,

Having developed various innovative support systems for the well being of the older persons in the area of home health care, mitigating loneliness through enrichment centres, combating elder abuse, financially empowering needy elders, medical care for aged in rural areas and dementia care through Nightingales Centre for Ageing & Alzheimer's (NCAA) now Nightingales Medical Trust (NMT), a registered non profit organization is embarking on a major challenge of making dementia care accessible, efficient and affordable in India.

In India, today, about 37 lakh people are affected with dementia and the number is expected to double by 2030.

Dementia is a progressive brain and degenerative brain syndrome. It affects memory, thinking, behaviour, emotions and the activities of daily living. In India, caregivers are mostly the family members. The disease affects both patient and the caregiver. In advanced stages, the patient needs institutional care. But in India, Institutional care is available only in few cities, making it inaccessible and unaffordable.

Since 2010, Nightingales Centre for Ageing & Alzheimer's (NCAA) has been providing a wide range of services, including institutional care. Patients from Bangalore and other parts of the country are utilizing the services. Yet, the demand is growing day by day.

WHAT WE PROPOSE TO DO

To bring down the cost of institutional care for dementia patients significantly and to benefit more needy patients, NMT is planning to establish Satellite Dementia Care Centers by using technology and telemedicine solutions based on a Hub & Spokes Model with Nightingales Centre for Ageing & Alzheimer's as the hub. As a pilot project Nightingales has initiated steps to establish the first such centre , a 38 bed facility, at Kolar town (60kms from Bangalore) at the premises of ETCM hospital. Once this pilot project becomes a success, we will be setting up more satellite units like this in different towns and cities in India enabling affordable, accessible and efficient dementia care.

Renovation work has almost been completed and the centre is expected to be functional by the end of March 2014.

WE NEED YOU

To make this center functional we need the following requirements.

1. Furniture & Fixtures : 14.25 lakh

2. Medical Equipment : 6.5 lakh

3. Telemedicine Solutions: 9.25 lakh

As a person / organization concerned about dementia care, may we request you very earnestly to contribute your best for this project to make dementia care accessible, efficient and affordable in India

The names of those who contribute over Rupees Fifty Thousand will be displayed prominently at the Centre.

HOW YOU COULD SEND YOUR DONATIONS

a. Cheque favoring Nightingales Medical Trust to the following address:

The Managing Trustee

Nightingales Centre for Ageing and Alzheimer's

No. 8P6, 3rd A Cross, East of NGEF Layout

Kasturinagar, Banaswadi, Bangalore - 43

Karnataka, India

Ph: +91 80 42426565

b. Alternatively, you could also transfer the donation to the following bank account after sending an email to us.

A/C Name : Nightingales Medical Trust

A/C No. : 06681010000097

IFSC Code : IFSC SYNB 0000668

Bank Name : Syndicate Bank

Branch : Kasturinagar Branch, Bangalore - 560043

Bank Details (For Foreign Currency)

A/C Name : Nightingales Medical Trust

A/C No. : 183010022816

IFSC Code : VYSA0001830

SWIFT code : VYSAINBBMGR

Bank Name : ING VYSYA BANK

Branch : G2,#19(OLD NO 86) NEW DIVISION #992^nd MAIN RAOD, SANKEY ROAD SADASHIVNAGAR, BANGALORE-560080

Kindly note, all donations to NMT is exempt U/S 80G of the Income Tax Act and the Trust is approved under FCRA to receive contributions from abroad.

Nightingales Medical Trust has also been recognized by Silicon Valley Foundation as the equivalent of a US public charity.

With kind regards

Dr Radha S Murthy

Nightingales Medical Trust

9844037381

I request everyone who reads this to help out in whatever way and to whatever extent you can and to spread the word to others who you think will be in a position to help.

Thanking you,

Yours sincerely

Swati

Touchy Times

"I was asking my son to get married to anyone he wants to, so long as it is a girl!"    

Not a very uncommon sentiment I hear these days. It makes me wonder. We humans are a very confused species. 

Leave alone life long partnerships .... let us talk of simple friendships. Time was when a guy with his arm across the shoulders of another guy on the road singing "yeh dosti hum nahin todenge" (we won't break this friendship) was a common sight and people used to envy folks who had such friends and friendships. Two girls sitting together, holding hands, giggling together, sharing confidences, looking conspiratorially at each other ..... well, silly girls sharing girlie confidences for some, so sweet for others.

I received a cultural shock when I was studying abroad. A friend of mine (a girl) once just touched another friend (a girl) from Australia and the usually chummy, jolly girl reacted so badly - almost as if she had been bitten by a snake - that the "touchy" friend felt really hurt about the touchiness of the "touched" friend. We wondered what had bitten her. Anyway, a cultural lesson learned that day - boys don't touch boys and girls don't touch girls. We had to relearn our moral science/social science/cultural science or whatever science that was. In India it was boys don't touch girls, girls don't touch boys. No, they don't even look or smile at them; forget it, they don't even think of them!

That was about a decade and a half ago. A decade has wrought a lot of changes on our decadent society. We are going the evil Western way. Now listen! We have progressed. We have become very "civilized". We may know about gays, but that does not mean that we walk around hand in hand or with our arms around the shoulders of friends of the same gender when we are feeling particularly "gay" (meant in a different sense of course)! Otherwise we may be mistaken for gays! And our society is too puritanical (despite being Westernized enough to eat burgers and to wear Nike shoes) to tolerate gays. So does that mean we can walk hand in hand with members of the other gender? Oh no, noooooooooooooo...... we are Indian, remember? If you don't, the moral police will be only too glad to remind you of the fact!

So whom do we touch??????????? 

Empowered Women and Increasing Divorce Rates - Related?

A neighbour, a divorcee, wants to get married again and is concerned about finding the right person this time round. She was the victim of domestic violence the last time round. She had endured the marriage for 10 long years despite being very well qualified and in a very responsible position at work. An acquaintance, a divorcee, has got married to another divorcee and is happily married since many years. Look at the matrimonial columns and one sees a separate one for divorcees. There is even an online matrimonial site for divorcees – secondshaadi.com

It is evident that the number of divorces in India is increasing. Where “divorce” was a dirty word not too long ago and being a divorcee carried a social stigma, making it difficult for the person to be married again (especially if it was a woman, so what even if she was an “innocent” divorcee – which all divorcees used to be if one were to believe the matrimonial ads – whatever that meant). Obviously something has changed, but what? The common conception seems to be that women becoming financially independent and empowered is a major reason for the increasing number of divorces. But is it really so?

There are a number of dynamics in any marriage that lead it to being a success or a failure. What was the reason for the number of divorces in India being globally one of the lowest? Odes have been sung to the social structure which supports a strong family system which in turn rests on the institution of marriage. So what has changed in the social structure for more marriages to fall apart? Earlier men and women stayed close to their families and social circles and were bound by social pressures to conform to certain patterns of behaviour. More recently, however, with the globalization of our economy, with more job opportunities opening up in the cities, more and more people have moved away from the family and started living on their own. They have effectively managed to break free from the stranglehold of social pressures. Alternative patterns of living such as “live-in relationships” have cropped up where people may choose not to get married in the first place. Living in a big city away from home offers the luxury of anonymity, making this possible. Where arranged marriages used to be the norm in the past, young people probably felt obliged to continue in marriages – happy or unhappy – to keep up social appearances and for the sake of family honour. Now, when more and more young people find their own partners and stay away from home, such pressures obviously decrease. This might explain, in general, the higher divorce rate and why it is more an urban pattern than a rural one where the old social structure seems to remain intact.

India is a country of many contradictions. Although we see so many social changes, scratch the surface and we find that not much has changed in our family hierarchy. If anything, our so-called “culture and traditions” are being grossly misuse to serve personal interests and to make a woman more subservient than she ever was. Today she has to excel at academics, extra-curricular activities, out-do her male counterparts to make a place for herself in her place of work – YET when it comes to marriage and home, nothing has changed for her. She still has to take care of the home as efficiently as she would if she was not working, make sure her kids do not suffer in any way (nutritionally, academically, emotionally .....) just because of her job ..... in short she has to be a Superwoman. As if all these demands placed on her are not enough, her position in the family hierarchy has not improved any. She still has to place her in-laws above her own parents. The number of women who complain of mental and emotional harassment at the hands of parents-in-law are not a few. It matters not then that she is a 60 year old woman herself retire from the highest echelons of Indian officialdom, she is still expected to toe the line. It matters not that not only is she independent but also supports the family in many ways, she is still seen as a “responsibility”. One might wonder why she does not walk out of the marriage or tell them where they get off. This is the sad reality of the Indian daughter-in-law. She might choose to stay on for the sake of her parents. She might do so for the sake for her children. She might just choose to do so because it is still not easy for an Indian woman to live alone as a divorcee. If this was the story for a woman who is 60 years old, the same still holds true for a woman in her 30s. She is just not mentally tuned to the idea of a “divorce”. So one can well imagine what a woman must be pushed to if she chooses to separate. Well, there might be exceptions, but here I have talked of the more common category of woman. It is a sad commentary, indeed, to think that to this day, many women, despite being financially independent, do not walk out of unhappy or abusive marriages.

If indeed there were women who said “enough is enough” and walked out when they should have, we would probably have read lesser reports of dowry deaths, forced abortions of female foeticides and the like. We would not hear of people who divorced their wives for not having kids or for having only daughters.

Having said this, there is no denying that the younger generation is (again a generalization here) tending to be more self-centred and growing more intolerant than the older ones (may be they have the option and luxury of doing so which we did not) and that this may result in a small proportion of divorces. Though I really doubt, we in India get to see many cases of divorces on flippant grounds like “I don't like the way my spouse snores or “my husband has lost his hair since the day I married him”.

So to conclude that empowerment of women is the sole or the major cause for the growing number of divorces is to shut one's eye to the picture as a whole. Even if it were true, it would only imply that the durability of Indian marriages in the past was not a result of any special virtue of our culture, but due to a lack of any viable options for women living in unhappy marriages. That would amount to nothing better than the most abject form of slavery. At the most one might say that women whose lives in a marriage have become so unendurable end up walking out because they have the financial option of doing so, the actual cause for the divorce being that their lives have become unendurable. Were women to walk out of marriages just because they were”empowered” or “financial independent”, would it not be more rational to believe that those women would have preferred to stay single in the first place or to opt for a live-in relationship?

This blog has been submitted for the 4th Annual International Women's Day Contest hosted by Indusladies.com

Ungrateful Kids Put Their Parents In Old Age Homes?

"How can you even think of putting your parents into an old age home?  How much they sacrificed for you when you were young!  How hard they worked to bring you up and to make you what you are today"!

Sounds familiar?  The rants about young people not having time for the old, turning very self-centred, selfish and callous?  About how the thoughtless aping of Western culture has taken over our society?

Well, think of this.  What I am going to say now may not exactly win a popularity contest.  But I can say hand on my heart, that while I am still struggling to come to terms with the inevitability of having to eventually move my mother to a place for assisted living (yes, this is where there is a gap between theory and practice and I belong to that generation stuck hopelessly between two totally differing sets of ideologies and don't find it easy), I can see how illogical the above accusations are.

Consider how old we are when we bring our children into this world (or how old our parents were when they brought us into this world).  Probably in our 20s or early 30s.  What were our energy levels then?  I am sure parents who had kids in their 30s would say that it was tougher for them than when they brought up their first kid who was born when they were in their 20s.  Contrast this with our age when we have to take care of our parents who are in their late 70s or 80s.  Probably 50+.  Very likely we have health issues of our own.  Our own nestlings have flown the nest and we are struggling to cope with our own challenges.

We invested a lot - mentally, physically, emotionally as well as financially when we brought up our children.  Leave aside the expectations (which may now have been belied) that our kids would be around for us, each day they did something silly like plastering their faces with food, throwing things around, taking off their clothes at the check out counter in the supermarket would either make us laugh or at worst cause us mild embarassment over which we could laugh later on.  There was a joy in seeing them grow, in seeing the learning process, the development.  It was a rewarding job.  Fast forward to the care we give our parents.  Start from the size - no matter how frail they be.  Managing their diapers is the very first comparison.  Obviously it is not going to be the same.  You can't carry them around and get about your business.  (Not everyone can afford domestic help or has a home big enough to accommodate one).  They don't gurgle and coo at you.  Often one is faced with hostile ingratitude. 

You cannot take your bed ridden parents out and carry on with your normal life, let alone show them off like you did your babies.  The challenges faced by the caretaker are immense and life comes to a grinding halt, making one sometimes wonder what one is doing.  Put your parents in an OAH and get about your normal life, there will be those inevitable moments of guilt at what you have done.

So just quit trying to compare what your parents did for you and even wanting to pay back.  Firstly, you cannot repay them for whatever they did for you.  Secondly, IT JUST IS NOT THE SAME.  Lastly, even if it sounds very ungrateful, insensitive, or whatever you would like to call it, when children arrive into this world, it is out of the parents own choice.  It is their pleasure to bring them up.  Having brought them into this world, it is their responsibility and duty to bring them up.  So while one would always hope that the children would be around for the parents when they need them, one cannot DEMAND or EXPECT a quid pro quo from them. 

Homes for the Aged?

"Excuse me, I am looking for a place for my mother.  She is 84 and unfortunately we are unable to look after her at home.  We are looking for a place close to home, where we can visit her often".

"Does she have any health conditions?  Does she suffer from BP or diabetes"?

"She has dementia and is on medication.  She is not disruptive.  She is bed ridden and incontinent.  We have space constraints and hence unable to provide home nursing for her.  That is why we need a place where she can get in-house nursing care".

"Sorry, we do not take bed ridden patients.  Besides if your mother is on medications we cannot take her.  All our other inmates are normal".

This is the conversation I have with a reputed home for the aged.  The same is repeated with an ashram.  Another is willing to take her but will not allow us to visit her for more than 5 minutes.

I have a couple of questions.  

• We do not want to dump my mother somewhere.  We just want assistance in looking after her.  We want to visit her and spend time with her every day.  Why would we agree to look her up for an obligatory 5 minutes once in a while?

• Why would we want their help if she was able to do these things herself?  Would we not keep her at home?  Besides as far as I know, most old people have some problem or the other - mental or physical - if not now, somewhere down the line.  Very few old people are fortunate enough to die with their jogging shoes on.  So what do they do with their "normal" inmates when they are sick?  Throw them out on the streets?  Or send them off to hospitals?  Even hospitals would not keep patients for longer than a minimum period.  They need their beds.  They need more patients.  They need a cash inflow.  Besides there is a genuine shortage of beds in hospitals.  So will they send them back to their homes?  Will the people who sent their "normal" elderly people off to homes take them back when they are very sick and bed ridden?

• What age is the "right old age" to enter an old age home?  50?  No, too young.  You should be working.  55?  Not yet.  (The typical "too old for pigtails, too young for cocktails syndrome".)  60?  Yes.  But are you "normal" at 60?  Maybe, maybe not.  What if you are not?  Well, too bad.  You did not get the chance to benefit from the services of an old age home.  

So where do the old people go once they are bed ridden (not that the can "go" anywhere - sorry for the bad joke).  Insurance?  Well, upto a limit.  What of expenses beyond that?  God help us then.  I wonder if even He can help us.  And what of those who can't afford even insurance?  Well, we are supposed to be a socialistic state are we not?  So where is the social security?  Well, that is just it.  That is what we are "supposed" to be, but we are not.  We are a wolf in lamb's clothing er.... a capitalistic society pretending to be socialitsic.  

So then what do we do?  Euthanasia?  No sir/madam.  Illegal.  Suicide?  Criminal offence.  You will be persecuted, sorry prosecuted if you fail to execute (pun unintended) your crime successfully.  Not that they will execute you.  They will just make your life a lot more miserable than it originally was, in order to show you what misery really means, so that you realize that you were not really all that miserable at that point of time when you tried to eliminate your miseries by eliminating yourself.  May be life on the street was quite tolerable compared to life in jail.  

"A Puppet's Life Ends On A String"

So read the headline in the Times of India dated 22nd November 2012.  The news brought a sense of closure to a lot of families whose near and dear ones who had been brutally slain by terrorists on the 26th of November 2008.  

The high drama that had ensued following the taking over of the Taj hotel and a few other buildings in Mumbai had been beamed live across the world by various Indian television channels.  The world had watched the action with bated breath.  One terrorist had been arrested and put to trial.

The trial of the young man had not been any less dramatic.  There was so much irony about the whole situation.  A lot of "evidence" was "examined" despite the fact that he had been seen by billions on television as he went about on a shooting spree.  He was kept in prison under high security - for what purpose, God knows - to prevent him from running away?  Could he have run away?  Would the public have let him take two steps without lynching him and tearing him to pieces?  Security to protect him from the public?  Despite the fact that he had butchered so many people so mercilessly?  And seemed so unrepentant about it?  Despite the fact that the only obvious outcome would be for him to be hanged?

Would any other country for whose cause he was acting have given as fair a trial to an Indian who would have conducted himself in a similar manner on their soil?  He would have been stoned, publicly beheaded, flogged or subjected to any other form of punishment that does not bear thinking of.

Yet our country thought it fit to provide him with a lawyer to fight his case, and if the press be believed five star treatment in jail.  So it was the tax payers' money which was spent to keep a man who killed so many of us alive all these days.  To quote a cliche, this happens only in India.

Having said all of which, there was a sense of deep sadness when one read the news.  Here was a young lad, the son of an impoverished family.  A young boy who had been misled into believing he was doing his country a favour.  A country who did not respond to his plea for a lawyer to fight his case when he was arrested ..... a country which did not respond to the notification about his execution ..... a country which did not claim his body.  His last wish was to meet his family.  A wish which was not fulfilled.  According to the papers his last words were "Allah kasam maaf karna, aisi galti dobara nahi hogi".   What a waste of a young life.  What was the use of such a late repentance and realization that it was a "galti" of a gargantuan proportion?

Maybe this will act as a lesson to other youth going his way ..... a lesson that there is no glory in this kind of death, a lesson that the people for whom you think you are laying down your life do not even acknowledge you once you are trapped, a lesson that not even your family acknowledges you later on.  Or will it?

To Live or ..... - That Is the Question

Life has its strange twists and turns.  Take for instance the fact that I went to get my mother who suffers from dementia to stay with me.  She had been with my sister for a year and I thought it was only fair that I take charge now.  My sister is now a senior citizen herself and has grapples with health issues of her own.  It did not seem far fetched to think that a day would come when she would be forced to send mom to an institution.  This was something I could not bear to think of.

It was precisely to avoid this situation I brought her along with me.  I was really happy to see the change doing her some good - till the 4th day with me.  On that fateful evening I took her for a walk and despite my holding her hand, she tripped and fell, breaking the head of her femur.

What followed was no less than a nightmare.  A hemi-arthroplasty (surgical replacement of the ball of the femur) followed.  She came out of the ICU disoriented, got a urinary tract infection, blood infection, a fever of 105 degrees Celsius, bed sores, her dementia worsened tremendously and she became totally bed ridden.  She needs at least two nurses at a time to turn her over, bathe her, clean her ..... which makes it logistically difficult to keep her at home with professional help.  So I have now ended up in a situation which I wanted to avoid in the first place - having to send her to an institution.

Leaving aside the pros and cons of institutionalization, old age homes etc., I was thinking about her situation and that of many others in our country.  She has two daughters.  My dad was in government service which meant he had access to the central government health scheme.  This makes all the difference when a situation like hospitalization arises.  What do people like us who have no such facility do?  Yes, we do have medical insurance right now.  What happens when we eventually stop earning and can't pay our premiums?  What happens in the event of long drawn out hospitalizations, even if we pay our premiums? What happens when we have no one to do the running around for us?  Can we afford to go to an old age home or to an institution?  OK, may be we can find ourselves a place in a retirement home.  But can everyone afford that?  There are many in this country who live on the brink of existence, lead a hand to mouth existence.  What are they to do, where are they to go?

I don't want to sound morbid, but I cannot help think ..... what happens to the billions of people in this country who are in situations worse than us?  Do we all commit suicide?  We already have farmers committing suicide, unable to pay back their debts, we have students buckling under pressure committing suicide, we have khaps killing young people who decide they want to spend their lives with each other, we have desperate young women who are tortured by husbands and in-laws committing suicide, ......  Is this lack of care in old age and illness going to be one more reason to be added to the list in times to come?  Is it time the government decriminalized suicide?  Or is it high time they did something for people to encourage them to live?

The Big Fat Indian Wedding Drama

Some terminologies and concepts bring a smile to the face. Indian weddings, when they are not driving people (read the bride's family) to tears, generally serve as a cause of tremendous amusement. 

Just take for instance the way the weddings are orchestrated. The age old custom of "arranged marriages" was the norm till such time as "love marriages" appeared on the scene. To a casual listener, not quite familiar with the Indian way of thinking, both would sound odd. 

Arranged marriages generally implied (in earlier times) that the bride and the bridegroom did not know each other and probably did not even see each other till after the wedding ceremony. That they did not see each other during the wedding ceremony was taken care of in many communities by making the bridegroom wear a sehra (a decoration of flowers or beads covering his face), the bride had to wear a ghoonghat (a head dress to cover her face). Probably they were making that one or the other did not faint after seeing the others' face and the wedding did not fall through.  The spouse came gift wrapped, so to say, and the gift could be seen only after the priests had put their stamp of approval on the proceedings.

The rule (followed by people of decent upbringing and of good cultural and traditional values) says: "You shall not love before getting married.  It is a shame for the family and for the community.  Once married, it little matters whether you love your spouse or not, our responsibility is done.  Love/Like/Lump him/her."

I am reminded of a tweet by a certain famous personality goes, "All your life you are taught not to talk to strangers; Suddenly you are asked to sleep with one!" Well, that is the very Indian concept of virtue. 

Oh well, this concept obviously did not go down too well with some youngsters. Or maybe Cupid is very favourably disposed to certain types. So he introduces them to each other and they fall very much in love. Parental and societal disapproval rate is pretty high - "Aaj kal ke chora chori kya love shove ke chakkar mein padte hain" or "onga paiyan oru ponnai luv panaran" translated as "your son is doing love to one girl" (Please don't get any wrong ideas here.  It is just the colloquial expression for "to be in love".  Every possible means at their disposal gets deployed in the war against youngsters who "do love". The moral police of the country has recently started rounding up Romeos and Juliets holding hands at street corners or in the local park.  Other self help methods employed by the parents include locking up the girl at home, getting judgments passed against the couple for indulging in such extraordinary behaviour such as loving each other or worse still marrying the person they love (the khap panchayats are very helpful and obliging to parents in this matter), emotional blackmail - parents having heart attacks, threatening suicide or refusing food (wouldn't it be a good idea to distribute this excess food to the starving millions in this country?). Now the youngsters are only left with one option viz. to elope, go to the nearest court or temple and get married. No parents, no shamiana, no dowry, no wedding trousseau, no guests, no five star catering, no gifts, no wedding photographs, no album, no video-shideo .......  What an anti-climax.  After the excitement of a whirlwind romance, the wedding becomes a very sedate one.  They did break a very important rule of Indian married life, did they not?     

Well, the younger generation is pretty smart. Or at least some of them are. They do not like the idea of an arranged marriage, they “do love”, they want to get married, but they do not want to miss out on the side benefits – obviously they have to keep pappa and mamma happy. So what do they do? Sweet talk the old man and old woman and make them believe it was their idea in the first place to get these two married. The parents are happy to believe that it is an arranged marriage – parents arranged it, parents spent the money, parents invited a lot of guests, spent a lot on trousseau, shamiana, band-baaja, food ........ and happy young couple get a lot of gifts. They are happy posing with parents for the photographs and videos. They have a long line of visitors waiting with bouquets / gifts / envelopes containing cash in their hands to be handed over to couple; the obliging couple pose with them too, with bouquet and have a picture taken (guests now can have photographic evidence to prove they did not partake of the food for nothing. They honourably spent money to gift the couple something or other. Besides the couple and their parents have an idea of who gave what / how much, so when they are invited to said guest's son's wedding, they will pay back (in terms of gift or cash or boquet) to same tune. Such a wedding where everyone is happy is called a "love cum arranged marriage". 

The parents are no less creative these days.  They introduce the eligible prospectives, allow them to talk for anything varying from 15 minutes to a week.  Then they "convince" the youngsters that the choice was entirely left to them and that they had the last word in fixing the deal.  Such weddings are termed "facilitated weddings".  Parents only "help" by "introducing" the main parties to each other. 

Now things have gone one step further.  This is the age of IT.  So everything is decided by the computer.  Computer plays role of astrologer.  Computer plays the mediator by introducing parties with similar interests to each other.  Wedding photos are put up on Facebook for everyone to see.  If the wedding ends in misery or divorce, it gets discussed on various forums.  Virtual friends help sort out issues, or advice consulting a lawyer. 

And soon the next generation arrives on the scene to carry on our rich and varied heritage or to add more variations to it.

A Mother's Plight

Today is mother's day.  There are many unfortunate mothers in India, whose daughters are deprived of the right to live even before they are born and who themselves are deprived of the right and joy to hold their little bundles of joy in their arms if they are daughters.  Unfortunately this practice of female foeticide  is very common even amongst highly educated families in big cities.

This poem is dedicated to these unfortunate women.

A loud plaintive scream rent the air

The pain was much more than she could bear

The life that within her had barely begun

Was not one that could be called "my son"

A daughter was growing inside her

A replica of herself as it were

This little angel she wished in her arms to hold

On this idea hubby and in-laws were not sold

Leave me alone, let my child be born

From begging and pleading she was utterly worn

Her job though was only children to bear

For her rights and opinions no one did care

A hasty appointment with the doctor was made

And so it was that on the table she was laid

In a room where little babies were born

Her little angel from her womb was torn

But who did for her screams ever care

Her pain was her own, alone to bear

She could rant, rave, scream or yell

Her life was one unending hell

She was obliged to give the family an heir

To fight for her rights, though, she did not dare

Did she even know her rights

If she did, why was she in this plight

Why is it that a son who worships his own mother

About the mother of his children does not bother

Why is his mother who is a woman

To her daughter in law so inhuman

This is a lady who was also once born

A girl child who was not of her right to live shorn

Where would this man be if she had been killed instead

Has this thought even entered their heads

The statistics are enough to scare

Girls as a population are growing ever rare

Wake up you ignoramuses, you better beware

Your race will be wiped out if you don't care

Women wake up, fight for your rights

Tolerating injustice, taking it light

Is just as wrong as being unjust

Protect your daughters is something you MUST.

Here Yesterday, Gone Today, Forgotten Tomorrow

From a forward.  Photographer unknown.

Isn't this a heart-warming picture?  It makes us wonder and marvel at Nature and other creatures who protect their young ones just "like us".  Or do they?  "Like us" I mean.  Hold on, I think I would like to drop out those two words - it would embarass and shame all the creatures in the animal kingdom to be compared with "us", some of whom selectively destroy their young ones - not based on  some physical defects, but only on the fact that they are females.  Yes same the very same females of the species who procreate and bring forth new members of the species and protect and nourish the young ones.

Last month Baby Falak, a 2 month old baby girl died after being battered by some inhuman adult.

It shocked the conscience of the nation.  If that was shocking, then what does one of a "FATHER" who battered his 3 month old to death?  Yes that is the tragic story of Baby Afreen born to a 19 year old mother.

This young mother was married off at the age of 17 to a divorcee whose parents promised her parents that they would take her on a Haj 1 week after the wedding.  The impoverished parents who could not afford to ever go on a Haj very happily agreed, thinking at least this daughter (of 3 daughters) would get to go and be ensured of her place in heaven.  The son-in-law it turned out was a drug addict and would harass their daughter.  Once the daughter was born, he asked her to get Rs. 1 lakh as compensation because the child was a female.  And then started the sordid tale of battering the baby girl.  When he tried to smother the baby about a week ago, she was brought to the hospital by the mother and was  in a coma till yesterday, when to her good fortune she went to a better place - away from the monsters of this world.  Had she survived, the chances that she might be challenged for the rest of her life might have been high.  Better she was spared that agony.  God decided she deserved better.

What do we say of a society where a daughter's life is decided based on criteria such as her chances of going on a pilgrimage?  What do we say of parents who get their daughter married off before the legal marriageable age, without checking out the credentials of the man whom they are entrusting with their daughter's happiness?  And sad to say I cannot write them off as the exceptions or as deviants from the normal.  They are probably the norm in our country, even if their reasons for getting minor daughters married may be different. 

What do we say of a mother who does not report the husband who batters her baby?  What do we say of parents who do not bring their married daughter back home despite knowing that she is being tortured every day?

What do we say of a society which claims to worship female deities and sees a mother as a Goddess, but chooses to destroy young female infants?

What do we say of parents who destroy female foetuses before they are born?  Or are they better than parents who give birth to them and then batter them?????

Should I consider myself as particularly privileged for having been allowed to live, learn and flourish?  For having had a particularly good set of parents who were extremely enlightened for their times?  Should I be grateful to God for this or should I be grateful to my society to have allowed me to be what I am today?  Or should I be grateful to have been born in better times, before a so-called "ancient civilization" fell inexorably sick and started moving at breakneck speed in reverse gear into the dark ages?

This is the society which has produced Indira Gandhi, Kiran Majumdar, Kiran Bedi, Indira Noorani whom we tout as our claim to our "liberal, forward looking society".  But then these are women we can count on our finger tips, while the Baby Falaks and Baby Afreens are part of an innumerable statistic - here yesterday, gone today, forgotten tomorrow.